


When You Return

by mean_whale



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Crying, M/M, Pre-Kerberos Mission, Sad Ending, Sheith Angst Week 2019, Unrequited Crush, adashi break up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-06
Updated: 2019-09-06
Packaged: 2020-10-11 06:09:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20541377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mean_whale/pseuds/mean_whale
Summary: Keith did not want to have a crush on Shiro.He had a big crush on Shiro.





	When You Return

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Sheith Angst Week day 6: Pre-Kerberos/Unrequited
> 
> I'm very bad at rating things that aren't clear smut, so maybe this could have been rated G, I don't know

It took Keith several months to finally admit, that he had developed a massive crush on Takashi Shirogane, the golden boy that everyone wanted but couldn’t get.

He didn’t want to like Shiro like that. Crushing on a taken man was doomed to failure, it would only bring him misery, and he could never be around Shiro without thinking about how much harder his heart beat when Shiro smiled at him, how much he had never wanted anyone as much as he wanted Shiro.

Except, he didn’t want to want Shiro.

Feelings were messy, they made things difficult, they made life too complicated. Getting attached to people always ended badly, and his heart had been broken one too many times already. He didn’t want to spend nights lying awake in bed, staring at the ceiling that was curtained by darkness, thinking about the way Shiro and Adam held hands sometimes, about the kiss he had witnessed accidentally, about the way his gut twisted when Shiro looked happy because of Adam.

He was such an ugly, ugly person. How could he be upset over Shiro’s happiness? How could he possibly feel like somehow the world had wronged him simply because Shiro was in love?

Yet he couldn’t help antagonising Adam, although he made sure to never take it too far. Just enough to see him fix his glasses and make that specific face he made when he wanted to chastise Keith but held back. Keith didn’t know how much Adam knew about his past, but Shiro must have told him something because he never fought back. He fixed Keith with a mildly annoyed gaze before backing off.

Of course, Keith never acted out when Shiro was around. It wasn’t because he was trying to hide how seeing Adam made him want to punch something just because, it was simply because Shiro had a massively calming effect on him. At first, it scared him, sometimes it still did, but he had also learned to enjoy the feeling of serenity that washed over him when Shiro called his name and cracked a joke so horrible Keith was never quite sure how to react. He always ended up laughing, simply because Shiro always laughed too.

Sometimes he lay in bed wondering how different things would be if Adam wasn’t there. If Shiro wasn’t engaged to him. Shiro would have an abundance of suitors, that was for certain, but would Keith have a chance with him?

The answer was always _no_.

Shiro didn’t see him like that. In fact, he was quite certain that when Shiro looked at him he saw an angry kitten that he had rescued from the rain. Shiro probably wouldn’t even find him attractive, if he were to ever look at Keith in that light. Keith was too scrawny, always bruised somewhere, hair longer than regulation and staying stubbornly so. Meanwhile, Adam was always well put together, everything about him as perfect as could be, and that’s what Shiro liked.

That’s what Shiro liked.

So, Keith pushed it all as deep as he could, he didn’t have a crush on Shiro, they were friends, Shiro was his only friend and he needed to keep being Shiro’s friend.

“Adam figures you have a crush on me,” Shiro said one day, laughter in his voice.

Keith looked at him with wide eyes, could feel how they widened in horror. He had to calm down. Shiro was laughing, so Shiro didn’t believe it. Stay calm, he told himself, and slowly relaxed enough to maintain an air of indifference.

“Yeah, right,” he said and snorted.

He nearly cringed at how fake it sounded, how stiff and exaggerated. Shiro could see right through him.

But then Shiro laughed and shook his head.

“I told him you don’t,” he said and ruffled Keith’s hair. “I think he’s jealous.”

Keith froze.

“What?” he asked, voice strangled and odd.

Shiro sighed and went serious, staring at a distance, before coming back to himself.

“I don’t know,” he said. “I don’t know what’s gotten to him. He’s been acting really weird for a while now.”

Shiro was quiet. Keith didn’t know what to say, so he let Shiro think. Shiro looked upset, so, slowly, very slowly as if approaching a wild animal, Keith rested a hand on Shiro’s arm. Shiro looked down at it and smiled, but it was a sad smile.

“Now that I think about it,” he said, “he’s been weird ever since I told him I wanted to try for the Kerberos mission.”

“Oh,” Keith said, still out of words.

He squeezed Shiro’s arm just a little bit, just a small pressure to show him that Keith was there.

“Yeah,” Shiro said and laughed joylessly. “Now that I think about it, that’s probably his issue. Not you.”

“Doesn’t he want you to go?” Keith asked quietly.

“I don’t think he does,” Shiro said. “I think he wants me to stay here.”

Shiro looked somewhere where Keith couldn’t see.

The issue with Adam didn’t come up again. In fact, it seemed that Shiro and Adam’s relationship was doing better than ever. Shiro had even stopped spending quite as much time with Keith to spend it with Adam. It was okay. Keith was fine on his own. Adam was supposed to be Shiro’s first priority. It was okay.

But it wasn’t at nights, when Keith lay in bed and his gut was storming, the feelings he was pushing away during the day kept him awake. Maybe Shiro was getting tired of him. Maybe Shiro had decided that he had spent enough time and energy to befriending Keith, who never really showed Shiro how much he cared too.

He didn’t want to care, but he couldn’t exactly stop it from happening. He had tried. He had failed. All that was left was Shiro and how much Keith wanted to hold his big hands, how much he wanted to kiss Shiro’s lips that curled into a smile so easily.

Maybe Shiro was much happier with Adam, but that didn’t have to mean that Keith couldn’t talk to him. Keith could tell Shiro how much it meant to him to have a friend. He should tell Shiro.

And while he was at it, he might as well tell Shiro how much he wanted to be his boyfriend, even though he knew it couldn’t happen.

“I like you as more than just a friend,” Keith whispered into the night.

That’s what he would say. He kept repeating the words as he made his way around the Garrison, looking for Shiro, and ended up hearing something he wasn’t supposed to hear. All plans went out the window, because Shiro was keeping a secret. Shiro was keeping a big secret from Keith. Shiro had been telling Keith to trust him, but then didn’t trust Keith in return.

After having calmed down some, Keith went looking for Shiro. He went into the conversation with fury, came out of it with sadness. He didn’t know what to feel, so he went to bed early, lying with his eyes wide open.

Shiro was sick.

Shiro was doing his best to live his entire life in the few short years he had been promised.

Might Shiro think that this changed Keith’s opinion of him? He might. So, Keith would let him know it didn’t change anything, and while he was at it, he would finally tell Shiro about his feelings, would make sure Shiro knew how important he was, and–

A message interrupted his thoughts. For a while he debated whether to check it or let it be, but eventually decided to check it.

It was from Shiro.

_Can you please come over?_

It seemed odd. Keith was dressed and hurrying down the corridor in record time. He was nearly running by the time he turned to the corridor where Shiro’s room was, and he knocked urgently.

“Keith?” Shiro asked through the door before opening, which seemed even odder.

“Yeah, it’s me,” Keith said.

And when the door opened, he came face to face with a devastated Shiro, eyes puffy and red, cheeks still wet from tears, and Keith hurried into the room so Shiro could close the door again.

“What happened?” Keith asked.

Shiro led him to the couch and they sat down. Shiro slumped against the backrest, facing the ceiling as he sighed and rubbed his face with his hands.

“I’m sorry to bother you so suddenly,” Shiro said. “I just… All my friends are also friends with him, and I don’t know where he went so he might be with one of them, and it would be awkward if we were both reaching out to the same person and… and…”

“Shiro,” Keith said, and that was all he knew to say.

Shiro sighed again, sniffled a bit, then sat up straighter.

“Adam,” he started, but his voice broke, so he tried a different approach. “We already talked earlier today. And he told me… He already said that…”

Shiro trailed off and stared at the opposing wall. Keith already had a good guess on what was going on, but he also didn’t want to assume and accidentally hurt Shiro more, so he stayed quiet, waiting for Shiro to calm down enough to talk.

“He told me he didn’t want me to go,” Shiro said quietly.

He sounded lost and small, and it was not what Shiro was supposed to sound like. His lower lip was trembling. Keith reached out to pat his forearm softly, then pulled away, uncertain of what was allowed and expected in these situations. What was allowed and expected between them.

Shiro’s hand twitched, and Keith noticed that he was no longer wearing his ring.

“Shiro,” he said again, but didn’t know how to continue.

Shiro looked at him, eyes so endlessly unhappy as he tried to smile.

“He told me he didn’t want to go through with this again,” Shiro said, voice stuffy. “He told me he wouldn’t wait for me, but I thought… I thought maybe he just said that because he was upset, and maybe if we talked, he would… Well, he didn’t change his mind.”

“Did you two break up?” Keith asked, and his voice was little more than a whisper.

Shiro nodded, then sobbed loudly and hid his face in his hands.

“I thought he would understand,” Shiro said voice muffled.

Keith could hear he was crying. His shoulders shook with his sobs, and Keith wished that he knew how to make it better.

Carefully he touched Shiro’s bicep, rested his hand there for a moment, trying to see how Shiro would react. He tried not to get distracted by how firm Shiro’s arm was under his fingers, and slowly slid his hand to Shiro’s shoulder. Shiro seemed to lean onto the touch, so he let his hand remain, resting there in show of support that he didn’t know who to verbalise.

Keith didn’t know how long it took, but eventually Shiro calmed down, first his sobs quieted down, then he let his hands drop away from his face. Keith could only see his profile, but that already told him that Shiro looked absolutely beaten.

“I thought he would understand,” Shiro said, voice thick. “And maybe… I don’t know, I just feel like we haven’t been doing that well for a while now, and maybe this was just a convenient excuse for him. Maybe… Maybe he had just stopped loving me but didn’t want to say because I’m sick.”

“That’s stupid,” Keith blurted out, only realising how his words sounded to Shiro when he turned to look at Keith in surprise. “I mean, if that’s what he was thinking, it’s bullshit. Maybe you are sick, but so what? That doesn’t make you weaker than anyone else.”

When Keith looked up again, Shiro had a wobbly smile on his face.

“Thank you, Keith,” he said.

Keith looked back down, unable to face the gratitude in Shiro’s eyes. He mumbled something in response, not really sure what Shiro was expecting.

“I’m sorry for unloading on you like this,” Shiro said then.

Keith frowned and looked at him. For a moment, they were simply looking at each other. Then Keith glanced at his own hand still resting on Shiro’s shoulder and pulled it away. When he turned to look at Shiro again, he thought he saw a flash of hurt, but he must have imagined it.

“It’s okay,” he said. “You’re… We’re friends.”

His voice wavered, but Shiro smiled. It was his usual, sunny smile, only made different by how wet his face still was.

“Yeah, we are,” Shiro said and sniffled, but he didn’t look like he was going to cry again.

And when Shiro pulled Keith into a hug, it was expected. What was unusual was the way Shiro pressed his face against Keith’s shoulder and remained there, just breathing. Keith didn’t know what to do with his hands, but eventually placed them on Shiro’s broad back.

“Thank you,” Shiro mumbled against Keith’s shirt.

At that moment, the one thing that Keith knew for certain was that he could not tell Shiro about his feelings before the Kerberos mission. Shiro didn’t need that burden right after Adam had left him, and Keith worried that Shiro might take it as a request to stay. No, it was better to wait, be there for Shiro as a friend, and let him go. Shiro needed to go.

That knowledge didn’t make it any easier, and Keith spent many a night sleepless, unable to tame the churning in his heart. Knowing that Shiro no longer had a partner made it harder, because it meant that no matter how small, there was a chance.

The chance was tiny, but it continued to simmer, making Keith’s heart once again beat faster when Shiro was around, making him feel like he was back at the beginning of his crush when he had barely acknowledged that maybe he might feel something for Shiro. But it was okay. He had lived this far without saying anything, and he could certainly continue living like that.

And it was good to see Shiro happy and excited about the mission. Keith made sure to never say anything that might insinuate that he didn’t want Shiro to go, and even the day before the launch he made sure to vocalise how much he thought Shiro was doing the right thing following his dreams.

It hurt.

He knew that Shiro needed to go, but it hurt to know that this was the last time he would see Shiro in about a year. They were standing by the door of Shiro’s room, Keith on his way out, expect he couldn’t make himself turn around and leave. He didn’t want to leave.

“I’ll miss you, Keith,” Shiro said like it was nothing.

Keith looked down, his hands fists against his thighs. He had no more words to give, because if he opened his mouth right now, he would not be able to stop letting everything spill, all the little thoughts he had been hiding away, the scale of his feelings, how Shiro was someone so absolutely special.

“I’ll miss you so much,” Shiro said and pulled Keith into a hug.

Keith hugged back, pressed his forehead against Shiro’s shoulder and wished that he could either stop Shiro from going or go with him.

When Shiro pulled away a bit, presumably to make sure Keith wasn’t suffocating, Keith looked up. He met Shiro’s eyes, just as warm as always, although now with an undercurrent of sadness. Keith’s eyes dropped to Shiro’s lips, full and soft-looking. He wondered if they felt as soft as they seemed, if they were warm, if Keith would drown into the kiss. Catching his mistake, he turned his eyes back up, then froze.

It was obvious that Shiro had noticed. Shiro had a different look in his eyes, still warm and welcoming, but there was also something else that Keith couldn’t quite decipher. He couldn’t help glancing at Shiro’s lips again, face and ears burning. Shiro looked at him for a long time, searching for something, but neither spoke. Shiro had gone serious, and Keith wanted to shiver but managed to contain himself. He had already slipped twice, and Shiro had witnessed it.

Shiro glanced at Keith’s lips right before letting go. They still stood close together, but now separated. Keith could still feel Shiro’s warmth right next to him but was also getting cold on the spots where Shiro had touched him. Shiro was still looking.

This was an opportunity. Keith could tell Shiro about his feelings right now. It was too late for it to change anything, Shiro was still going to go.

And isn’t that exactly why Keith had to stay quiet?

Shiro was going away. Even if there was the slightest chance that Shiro returned his feelings, they would have to stay separated for a year. Shiro couldn’t afford such distractions. It was better to stay quiet.

_I’ll tell you when you come back, _Keith thought at Shiro. _The moment we see each other again, I will tell you._

“Shiro,” he said out loud, voice breaking, and he cleared his throat. “I’ll be here.”

Shiro’s face melted into a fond smile.

“Thank you,” he said and pulled Keith into another hug.

Shiro was warm.

The morning air was cold. Keith watched the launch, he watched Shiro leave the atmosphere and reach the stars.

_A year from now, when he comes back, I will tell him._

And a few months later Keith’s world crumbled.

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, hello. I really feel like I didn't manage to take this fic where I wanted it to go, but I wrote it so I might as well post it. I'm just really tired, maybe that's why it's hard to look at my writing objectively, maybe that's why I feel like this but well.
> 
> [fic announcements](http://fandom.ink/@mean_whale) \- [personal chaos on twitter](http://twitter.com/mean_whale)


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